Part 6 – The Pain of a Carer

REFLECTIONS FOR THE CARERS RECOVERY

“Allah does not like that evil should be uttered in public except by him who has been wronged. And Allah is Ever All-Hearer, All-Knower. Whether you disclose a good deed done to you by someone, or conceal it, or pardon an evil, verily, Allah is Ever Oft-Pardoning, All-Powerful” 04:148-149 

Sometimes when we are going through a difficulty with our addict, we are confused about whether or not to speak out. silentBackbiting is forbidden by Islam but on the other hand opening up against oppression is encouraged. We need to work out what needs to be said, and to who. Approach the right people, and state the facts. We must not suffer silently as this will only prolong our own oppression as well as delay the addict in our lives from getting help. Silence keeps us sick. Silence enables the cycle of addiction to keep on going round and round and keeps us all stuck exactly where we have been for many years. And we must fear Allah on those matters which can remain concealed, realising that there are certain things our loved-one has said or done that can remain between us and Allah. 

ALL WE HAVE IS ALLAH

As carers there were days and nights we felt so lonely. We may have suffered in silence, or found no one who understood what we were going through. Our loved-one often abandoned us, heading out into the night, unreachable and we never knew if they would make it home alone. We prayed and we prayed until we ran out of duah’s and all we could say was “Oh Allah!” as we cried into the night. aloneAllah saw our sorry state. Allah knows our pain. There were times we questioned our own faith, but we clung onto it, we reached out to Allah, time and time again, even when it felt that He might not ever answer our prayer for our loved one to get better. We clung onto Allah hoping for His reward and His Paradise, knowing this life is all but a test. All we ever had was Allah. Allah says;

“So, as for those who believed in Allah and held fast to Him, He will admit them to His Mercy and Grace (Paradise), and guide them to Himself by a Straight Path” (04:175)

JUSTICE

Many carers of addicts spend their lives trying to be just and kind towards their addicted loved-one yet fail to stand for justice for themselves. The opposite of justice is oppression. Allah loves not oppression and injustice. In our recovery as carers we must begin to look at the bigger picture and seek justice for all those involved and around the addict as well as the addict themselves. We must take action based on what is best for everyone. We may live in a household with an addicted person, and there may be other members of that household who are not given their basic rights because of the behaviours of the addict. We must consider the safety of children, elderly and our own selves. Are our basic rights being met? Is our safety being at risk? Is our mental health being diminished? Is it even helping the addict to continue with the way things are? Justice for all must be considered.

“Oh you who believe! Stand out firmly for Allah as just witnesses, and let not the enmity and hatred of others make you avoid justice. Be just: that is nearer to piety, and fear Allah. Verily, Allah is Well-Acquainted with what you do”. (05:08)

KEEP CALLING TOWARDS ALLAH

Very few people understand what it is like to keep repeating the same message to someone like the carer of an addict. When we feel like we are talking to a brick wall, and then want to bang our heads against it we must remember that the angels have written down our words and they are with Allah. We will see the fruit of those words on the Day of Judgement when our books are laid out. Its frustrating and stressful, it causes us great sadness but we must keep up with the same message and try to call our loved-one back to Allah. It is only through them turning back to their Lord that they will achieve success. We must remember the previous prophets of Allah, like Nuh, and Ibrahim and how they persisted in their call for many many years. Allah sees our struggle and will love us for it.

“Wherewith Allah guides all those who seek His Good Pleasure to ways of peace, and He brings them out of darkness by His Will to light and guides them to the Straight Way (05:16)

WHEN WE FEEL LET DOWN

As stated above, there are times when we feel so alone and abandoned by our loved-one. In some cases, when the addict is meant to be the carer of us, like our husband or our parent, we can feel even more let down and hurt. We may feel as though we have no protector, no one to rely on, whereno one to stand up for us. We often feel as though we need someone to stand up for justice for us but there is no one, and the very person that is meant to do that is the one who has become lost in their addiction and lost the ability or sense to do that for us. In those times, Shaitan can cause us to become so low, despair of Allah and lose our faith in Him. However, this is our test. Allah is all we need, when we have Him, we have it all. Allah is testing us and we must always remember these Words of Allah;

Verily, your Wali (Protector, Helper) is none other than Allah…”

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